Having Needs Isn’t Selfish: Four Steps to Advocate for Your Needs

When Needs Are Labeled “Selfish”

A friend once shared how her dad used to call her selfish for the most ordinary things. If she needed a bathroom break shortly after a road trip stop—selfish. If she asked for the blinds to be closed because the sun was in her eyes at the dinner table—selfish. If she was doing homework while also expected to watch her younger brother, and he made a mess—selfish.

What she was really doing in each of those moments was expressing basic human needs. But the message she absorbed was that her needs were a burden. Other people’s comfort always mattered more than her own.

Sadly, she’s not alone. Many caring, mission-driven leaders carry this same pattern into adulthood: the belief that advocating for their own needs is selfish.

Why Leaders Ignore Their Needs

I’ve experienced this dynamic myself. Early in my career, if a client asked for a meeting that conflicted with a plan to go to a fitness class or take care of my health, I’d cancel my personal plans without hesitation.

The underlying fear was clear: if I prioritize myself, I risk rejection, disconnection, or loss of opportunity. But here’s the truth—constantly overriding our needs doesn’t make us better leaders. It pushes us toward stress, overwhelm, and burnout.

Success isn’t sustainable if it comes at the expense of health, joy, and well-being.

The Cost of Silence

I see this pattern with clients, too—librarians, recreation staff, frontline workers, even middle managers. Many hesitate to assert boundaries because they’ve internalized that having needs means being difficult.

But neglecting needs isn’t neutral. It has consequences. Over time, it shows up as exhaustion, resentment, or injury.

One small but telling example: at a recent dentist appointment, I noticed my hygienist wearing special glasses with angled mirrors that allowed her to see my teeth without bending her neck. As someone who has struggled with chronic neck pain, I thought it was brilliant.

When I commented, she said, “I was so glad there was money in the budget this year so I could get them.” Apparently she’d been suffering from neck pain and complications from her working conditions before she got the special glasses.

All I could think was, You shouldn’t have to wait for the budget. Meeting basic ergonomic needs isn’t optional. The cost of ignoring them—turnover, medical leave, long-term injury—is far higher than the cost of those glasses.

And yet, even she felt hesitant to advocate for what she needed.

Four Steps to Advocate for Your Needs

If you’ve been taught that having needs is selfish, it can feel daunting to start advocating for yourself. Here are four small, practical steps:

1. Reflect on the FearAsk yourself: Where does the fear of speaking up come from? Is it based on past experiences or on real risks in your current context? Naming the fear is the first step to loosening its grip.

2. Get Clear on What You NeedBe specific. Do you need a softer standing mat for your workstation? Do you need uninterrupted time to focus? Clear requests are easier for others to respond to.

3. Find AlliesDon’t do it alone. A trusted mentor, peer, or coach can help you articulate your needs and back you up, whether inside or outside the organization.

4. Frame Needs with CareConnect your needs to the larger goals of the team or organization. For example, the hygienist’s glasses not only protected her health—they improved efficiency and reduced the risk of costly workplace injury.

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Advocating for your needs isn’t about being threatening. It means calmly stating facts, showing care for shared priorities, and creating a path where your needs and organizational goals align.

Self-Care as Stewardship

Parker Palmer once wrote, “Self-care is never a selfish act—it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer to others.”

That’s the heart of this lesson. Having needs isn’t selfish. Advocating for them isn’t indulgence. It’s how we sustain our ability to serve, to lead, and to care for others.

Because when your needs are met, you can show up fully—without resentment, depletion, or burnout. And that’s what true leadership requires.

If you’ve found value in what I wrote here and you want to support me in continuing to create, guide, write, and make space for deeper transformation, I invite you to buy me a tea.

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