3 Lessons for Speaking Up When It’s Hard

Last week, I had the privilege of speaking at CALCON, the Colorado Association of Libraries annual conference. I was excited to prepare for my talk - so much so that I overlooked another crucial aspect of preparation - connecting with people and making small talk.

I attended the conference solo, even though I was co-presenting with my client from the Poudre Library District. I traveled alone, and aside from a few acquaintances, I didn’t really know anyone. Meanwhile, it seemed like everyone else was surrounded by colleagues and friends. 

That sense of being an outsider - of not quite belonging - triggered some deep insecurities for me. No one was doing anything wrong; I was just a newcomer trying to find my place.

The energy it took to initiate conversations was more than I expected. By the time I returned to my lodging each evening, I was exhausted - not just from the day’s activities, but from the effort of inserting myself into conversations, getting to know people, and navigating a constant stream of self-doubt. 

I’d stand in line to get lunch at the conference and persistently wonder, “What should I say? Will they talk to me if I don’t initiate conversation with them? Is now a good time to insert myself into this group? Are they going to be welcoming? Does it seem like I’m staring at them? Can they tell I really want a friend right now?” 

My mind was a whirlwind of questions. Physically, I felt a tightness in my chest, throat, and jaw. It was as if I was fighting myself just to speak up and connect. The doubt and physical constrictions only made it all that much harder.

This experience really drove home three important lessons that translate into my work with mission-driven leaders:

1. The power of preparation

2. The importance of recovery

3. Practicing self-compassion

   
   

The Power of Preparation

When we know - or even suspect - that we’ll be in a challenging situation, preparation makes a world of difference. 

At CALCON, I was there to speak about the trauma-informed assertiveness training for librarians. And how it’s helped improve library culture, customer support, and reduce the number of incidences. A big part of that training is helping librarians prepare for uncomfortable situations - recognizing the physical signals that something’s not right, finding the confidence to set boundaries before things escalate and remembering simple phrases to use in the moment.

In retrospect, I realized I need to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for the social energy required at conferences. Especially as someone who isn’t already “in the group.” 

For my next speaking engagement at A View from All Sides, I plan to have a few thoughtful questions ready. Ones that go beyond the usual “What do you do?” and open the door to deeper connection. For example,I might ask, “Tell me about the community you serve. What’s it like?” That kind of question can spark more meaningful conversations and help me feel more connected.

The Importance of Recovery

After a day of pushing myself to connect, I found I needed time to recharge. Fortunately, I was staying at a friend’s house in the mountains, with a stunning view that was grounding and restorative. I had imagined I’d be super productive in the evenings, but what I really needed was space to recenter - through yoga, meditation, breathing exercises, music, and even impromptu dance parties.

When we find ourselves triggered or feeling out of place, it’s essential to give ourselves time to discharge stress and recharge our inner batteries. This is just as important as preparation, especially for those of us who are sensitive and have habits of internalizing stress.

In the library world, this kind of recovery might look like a debrief - a valuable practice for librarians to reset after a particularly challenging interaction. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic event; sometimes, it’s just the accumulation of many small moments that overload our nervous systems.

Practicing Self-Compassion

Perhaps the biggest shift for me was remembering to show myself compassion in these moments. For years, my default was to be highly self-critical - doubling down on judgment whenever I felt anxious or uncomfortable. Now, I’m learning that it’s far more helpful to treat myself with kindness and understanding, especially when I’m feeling vulnerable.

For me, self-compassion often looks like placing a hand over my heart and offering gentle, supportive self-talk, such as:

“It’s okay, sweetie, this is hard work and you’re putting in a lot of effort. It makes sense that feeling like an outsider is difficult. It’s going to be okay. Keep taking care of yourself. You’re doing great.”

This compassionate self-talk is helpful as part of preparation for challenging situations, in the moment and as part of resetting afterwards.

Turning Knowledge to Action

Attending CALCON was great and it was stressful. It wasn’t that people were unkind. It was the repeated effort of initiating conversations and feeling like an outsider that eventually piled up and triggered my anxiety. Recognizing this, and turning the experience into a springboard for learning, and growth helps me make meaning that’s uplifting instead of festering in my anxiety.

We all have different types of situations that are particularly challenging to deal with and unavoidable. Preparing, prioritizing recovery and practicing self-compassion are three simple yet powerful steps to reclaim your power and focus on what’s within your control.

Take my reflections as an invitation to consider the situations in your own work or life that might be particularly challenging. 

• How could you prepare in advance? 

• What could you do to discharge the stress and recharge your inner battery afterwards?

• What does practicing self-compassionate look like for you?

If you’ve found value in what I wrote here and you want to support me in continuing to create, guide, write, and make space for deeper transformation, I invite you to buy me a tea.