There's a strange phenomenon I've noticed over the years. My initial reaction to feeling bad makes me feel even worse!
It goes like this.
Something happens that leaves me feeling sad, dejected, disappointed, or unmotivated. Then I'll show myself some tough love - "Sheesh! You gotta get it together, Ariana, or else..."
My inner toddler scoffs and wants to scream.
But I learned, as a toddler, that tantrums are completely unacceptable. I also learned to stuff down my big and explosive feelings so they don't show.
I wasn't allowed to feel bad as a kid.
My big, bad feelings were inconvenient to others. I was routinely rejected for having them. Instead, I had to put on a happy face and smile no matter how I felt inside.
I learned to fear feeling bad.
It's no wonder my initial reaction to feeling bad made me feel worse. I learned to fear feeling bad because it was a sign I did not belong and therefore wouldn't have anyone to keep me safe in the world as a child. I feared feeling bad because I didn't know how to handle my explosive feelings and worried I'd be all alone.
No one taught me how to regulate my big bad feelings.
It turns out stuffing down my big feelings caused stress in my body. What's more, judging myself for feeling angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, annoyed, dejected - you name it - compounded things. It's like getting stuck in a perpetual downward spiral where all I see is confirming evidence that I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not in control enough, not sensible enough, not tough enough, not doing enough.
Not regulating my big hard feelings put me in a pit of despair.
The cycle started with feeling bad, then led to thoughts that made me feel worse. It was like entering some dark, dank, dungeon of corporal punishment inside my head. It's no wonder I feared "going there." But that fear was an escort ushering me to a party I desperately wanted to avoid.
"What we resist persists"
Practicing heart-focused meditations with biofeedback helped me see the cycle in action. I'd feel bad and my score would show I was incoherent. I'd resist feeling bad, clenching my jaw and try to materialize positive emotions only to get even more incoherent.
I'd allow my "bad" feelings. I let them surf on my breath, through my body and out my mouth.
And viola, the movement reduced my stress, created a sense of peace and I reached high coherence.
The key to feeling better is to stop resisting bad feelings.
My inclination to criticize myself for feeling bad hasn't gone away entirely. But I am able to see the pattern as it's unfolding and redirect my attention and effort by allowing myself to truly feel bad (without fueling the feelings) like turning the spicket on and letting the water flow.
Bring on the pity party.
Sometimes, it takes me a few days before I realize I'm stuck in a pattern of denying my feelings of hardship or sadness or rage. When that happens, I make having a pity party a priority.
The point isn't to fall into despair, casting me a powerless victim. The point is to stop resisting the very thing I fear so I release it's control over me. I let myself feel my bad, big, heavy feelings. Once they move through me, they don't have power over me.
It's more productive to let myself feel than to force myself to power through.
The only way to regulate my nervous system in these kinds of situations is to allow myself to feel all my feelings. Sometimes letting myself feel my feelings is hard and intense and uncomfortable. That's part of the allure of avoiding these feelings, they're typically not warm and fuzzy. But allowing myself to feel them is also freeing, it creates a sense of peace.
The key to feeling peaceful is self-compassion.
The difference between getting stuck wallowing in a pity party and moving from cathartic release to a sense of peace is self-compassion. I let myself feel bad. Then I let myself feel sad for feeling bad. I let myself cry or shake or sigh. And I show myself compassion.
I do something thoughtful and kind for myself. Make myself tea. Wrap up in a fuzzy blanket.
Cuddle my cat. Place a hand on my heart and say, "it's ok to feel this way. I'm still worthy of love and belonging just as I am."
Showing myself love and compassion in those moments is validating. It allows me to acknowledge my feelings without assuming them as my identity. It's a humane and kind way to respond when we are suffering.
A pity party is an invitation to be present.
What's more, self-compassion enables me to see things from a more grounded and centered place. I'm not being overly reactive or non-reactive because compassion is a practice of loving kindness. It's an invitation to be in the present. I don't get caught up in future casting doom or replaying the past when I'm being fully present with myself.
One common thought that pops into my head when I'm struggling with an uncomfortable yet persistently negative feeling is that I'm not being productive enough. This happens when my go-to patterned threat response is freeze. I start to worry my "inability" to get things done is indicative of my future. Like I see myself stuck in a vortex of doom and gloom - the world swirling on around me while I'm perpetually motionless.
A pity party creates motion instead of freezing.
When I have a pity party, I let myself truly and deeply feel. I breathe a little slower and focus on the sensations in my body, softening where there's restriction. I feel immense love and compassion for myself and those suffering like me. It's like a straight jacket has been removed and a sense of freedom follows.
People are experiencing a lot of complex emotions right now. Wholehearted leaders model acknowledging and processsing "bad" or "negative" feelings. They do so with compassion not just because it's humane and kind, but because it fosters a felt sense of safety. This enables our higher level rational thinking and problem solving skills to prevail.
So if you're feeling overwhelmed, distraught, scared, sad, disappointed, discouraged, dejected. Bring on the pity party. Let yourself feel and respond with compassion.
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