Is Authenticity an Excuse?

Challenging the Assumptions We Make About “Being Ourselves”

The other day, during a listening training I was leading, a participant reflected on one of the tools we practiced and said something that stuck with me:

“That felt really inauthentic.”

It’s a sentiment I’ve heard before - and one I’ve felt myself.

Trying something new can feel clunky, forced, and yes, even fake. But does that make it inauthentic? Or is it just unfamiliar?

Let’s talk about what authenticity really means - and whether we’re using it as a compass… or as a crutch.

When Listening Centers You Instead of Them

We all have default communication styles. For one participant, her go-to method of listening was sharing her own experiences in response - something many of us do to build rapport.

And sometimes, it is a helpful way to connect.

Swapping stories over coffee. Finding common ground. Nodding in understanding because you’ve “been there too.”

But here’s the rub: when the conversation is about them, and we pivot to us, we’re not actually listening, we’re responding.

Sometimes, that hurts more than it helps.

I’ll never forget the story someone told me about grieving the death of their child. After sharing their grief, which was still raw, the listener responded, “I know how that feels. I just lost a pet.”

Oof.

That response, while likely well-meaning, centered the listener. And unintentionally minimized the speaker’s pain. It was a moment that begged for presence, not parallels.

Familiar ≠ Authentic

We tend to equate authenticity with ease: “If it feels natural, it must be true to me.”

But the reality? Some of our most ingrained habits - like interrupting, deflecting, or dominating a conversation - aren’t authentic, they’re familiar.

And breaking those habits doesn’t make us fake, it means we are growing.

I’ve experienced this firsthand. In my early leadership days, certain communication tools felt downright robotic. Like I was reading lines from a script instead of speaking from the heart.

But what I’ve learned over time is that authenticity isn’t about always feeling comfortable. It’s about acting in alignment with our values, especially when it feels awkward.

For me, authenticity means showing up with genuine care and curiosity. It means creating inclusive spaces where people feel safe, heard, and valued. It means having open and honest conversations. And if that requires me to practice new tools that feel unnatural at first? So be it.

So… What Is Authenticity?

I found myself turning this question over in my mind, and oddly enough, I landed on Van Gogh.

A real Van Gogh is considered “authentic” not because it looks like a Van Gogh, but because it was painted by Van Gogh.

Even the most talented forgery, using the same paints, techniques, and brush strokes, doesn’t make it the real thing.

Authenticity is about origin. About integrity. About where something comes from, not just how convincing it appears.

So when we talk about being authentic, the question becomes:

Are our words and actions rooted in the origin of our values?

Or are they just mimicking our most practiced habits?

When “That’s Just How I Am” Isn’t Enough

I’ve seen this tension in workplace dynamics, especially when teams are doing the hard work of building inclusive, safe, emotionally intelligent cultures.

I’ve heard it time and time again as:

• “I’m just being honest.”

• “That’s just how I am.”

• “I’m being authentic.”

These phrases often surface when someone is called in (or out) for behavior that’s harmful.

And while it’s important to honor individuality, authenticity doesn’t give us permission to bypass accountability.

If your version of authenticity consistently hurts others, it’s time to take a deeper look.

True authenticity isn’t about sticking with what’s easy. It’s about living out your values. And that might require you to grow past your default mode.

Bridging Intention and Impact

As a facilitator, coach, and human navigating messy conversations, I’ve had to wrestle with this myself.

There have been moments where I’ve followed a script in a training or tried a new tool that felt anything but natural. And I remember thinking, “This isn’t me.”

But over time, I’ve come to see that “me” isn’t defined by my comfort zone.

It’s defined by my commitment to care, to curiosity, to connection, and to learning. Authenticity for me is creating space where others feel heard and supported.

That’s the real me.

So if a new skill helps me do that better - even if it feels awkward at first - it’s actually a path toward authenticity, not away from it.

A Challenge for All of Us

We are living and working in increasingly tense environments. The pressure is high. Emotions are raw. And the stakes - personally, professionally, and globally - feel heavier than ever.

In these moments, we are being called to rise. To listen more deeply. To lead with more care. To stretch beyond what’s familiar.

So the next time something feels “inauthentic,” ask yourself:

• Is this truly inauthentic?

• Or is this simply a new me trying to emerge?

  
  

Let’s not confuse growth for fakeness.

Let’s not let “authenticity” become an excuse to avoid doing the work.

Let’s be bold enough to evolve.

Because who you want to be… might be just outside your comfort zone.

If you’ve found value in what I wrote here and you want to support me in continuing to create, guide, write, and make space for deeper transformation, I invite you to buy me a tea.

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