The Benefits of Being an Outsider

I’ve seen this time and time again—whether it’s working with librarians, coaching leaders, or even parenting my own daughter: who the feedback comes from can be just as important as how it’s delivered.

Me playing piano at 3 years old.

Take, for example, when I first led the assertiveness training for library staff. The manager wanted their team to set clearer boundaries with patrons and with each other. They wanted to avoid burnout or tense situations escalating. And while the manager said this time and time again, something shifted when I came in as an objective outsider to facilitate the learning.

Suddenly, the feedback landed.

Team members started asserting themselves more. They weren’t as afraid of being labeled “rude” or “unhelpful.” They realized that being assertive isn’t the opposite of good customer service—it’s a necessary part of it. And the results spoke for themselves: fewer incidents, smoother interactions, and more empowered staff.

Feedback and Family Dynamics

It made me reflect on other moments I’ve seen this dynamic at play. One example hits close to home: my daughter’s piano lessons. I took piano lessons for 16 years, starting at 3 years old. I performed in (and won) competitions. I even studied at the university when I was a teenager. On paper, I’m more than qualified to help her practice. But in real life? Let’s just say I was not the most helpful “coach.”

My feedback came with too much emotion, too much urgency, and not enough space. She couldn’t receive it. 

But her teacher? Her teacher gives feedback, and she lights up. She listens. She applies it.

And I’ve learned to step back, to let her have that space where she feels safe and seen by someone not tangled up in our shared history.

When Feedback Gets Tangled in the Story

This happens in teams too. Within any organization, there are interpersonal dynamics, long-standing stories, and emotional residue that shapes how feedback is received. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter how kind or clear we are—if someone already believes we “don’t get it” or are “out to get them,” that feedback hits a wall.

That’s where a skilled third party makes all the difference. Someone who brings compassion, clarity, and a blank slate. Someone outside the emotional web. I’ve seen it in mediations, in leadership coaching, and in trainings. There’s something powerful about having a fresh set of eyes. Someone who can see what’s happening without the baggage. Someone people are poised to listen to because they feel seen, heard, and validated.

Why the Outside Perspective Matters

When we bring in that outside perspective, we open up new possibilities for understanding, trust, and transformation. We create space to rewrite old narratives and foster real connection.

I see this with a coaching client I’ve been working with. Past experiences in the workplace have resulted in him being extremely guarded. He was put on a performance improvement plan, which required him to go to coaching. 

Our relationship isn’t tainted by a weighty history fraught with humiliation and skepticism. From the start of our work together, I’ve prioritized fostering safety and trust. He’s been able to open up to me about things he will not say to his employer. And I’ve been able to provide candid feedback, delivered with care, that he has received and acted on.

His attitude and presence at work have completely shifted. And the only thing that changed was having an outsider (that’s me) provide meaningful and relevant support.

Feedback conversations aren’t easy, but they’re necessary for growth, adapting to change and navigating challenges. When support is rooted in care, offered with specificity, and delivered by someone who creates psychological safety, it has a positive catalytic effect.

Intentional Leaders Know When to Call in Help

For mission-driven leaders, this is an important part of the work. Knowing when to invite that external presence. Recognizing when internal dynamics are too sticky to navigate alone.

Discerning when outside expertise will create the space and support needed to elevate the potential of team members. And trusting that sometimes, the most loving thing we can do for our team is not to go it alone.

Whether it’s through coaching, mediation, or training, don’t underestimate the magic that can happen when someone neutral, skilled, and compassionate steps into the room. It’s the difference between escalating tensions that waste time and easeful progress that enhances efficiency and effectiveness at work.

If you’ve found value in what I wrote here and you want to support me in continuing to create, guide, write, and make space for deeper transformation, I invite you to buy me a tea.

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