That’s Trauma for You

The other day, I was processing a stressful situation with a friend. At one point, she stopped me mid-story and said, “Ariana, you keep coming back to this. You’re fixating on the past. You need to stop focusing on the past and move on.”

Her words landed with a thud in my chest. I felt the energy drain from the back of my head. I took a deep breath and noticed the impact her comment had on me. 

Then I said simply, “That’s trauma for you.”

She asked me, puzzled. “What do you mean?”

Why We Circle Back

When you’ve experienced trauma, being “stuck in the past” isn’t a sign of weakness or unwillingness to move on. It’s part of how our nervous system has been imprinted by the situation.

Yes, I return to old stories. Yes, I draw parallels to past experiences. But I’m no longer stuck - repeating the same old fear based behaviors thoughtlessly as though I’m living in the movie Groundhog Day. 

Reflecting on the past enables me to work through my triggers in the moment. Naming what feels familiar to the previous experiences and how it’s showing up for me now helps me reclaim my agency. It allows me to shift out of old reactive patterns and into intentional, responsive ones.

Once I explained it this way, my friend understood. She could see that what looked like fixation was actually progress.

Healing Takes Patience

I think of healing trauma like untangling a child’s knotted hair. You need the right tools, a gentle hand, and a lot of patience. Pull too hard, rush too fast, and it not only hurts but the knots worsen. Go slowly, spray in conditioner, work from the bottom up, and eventually, the knots loosen.

It’s the same with trauma. Safe spaces to reflect, connect the dots, and notice what’s the same—and what’s different—are essential. It’s like working at the knotted hair from the bottom up, disentangling the past from the present. 

While our body may register familiar signals, the present moment is not an exact replay of the past. The people are different. We are different. And that recognition is what allows us to respond with intention instead of fear.

So yes, sometimes I circle back. Sometimes I name the past. And that’s not me being stuck—it’s me doing the work.

That’s trauma for you.

Rewriting the Patterns From Our Past

As someone who has a pet peeve for all talk and no action, I get where my friend was coming from. She perceived me as fixating on the past like it was a crutch I couldn’t let go of because it’s come up in our conversations a lot. She saw my attention as an indicator of going backwards and worried. 

Ironically, in the past, I would have agreed with her. Judging myself for “being stuck” is as familiar to me as peppermint flavored toothpaste. But this time her criticism awoke within me a knowing I could name and in doing so recognize that by reflecting on the similarities between my present circumstances and past experiences I was detangling myself from my trauma. 

And this is an important distinction for trauma-informed leaders to be mindful of. There’s a difference between being stuck in the past and being reflective to rewrite the patterns from our past. So before judging others for being too focused on what once was, consider how that awareness enables us to mindfully navigate the present.

Where might you need to give yourself (or someone else) a little more patience when the past resurfaces?

If you’ve found value in what I wrote here and you want to support me in continuing to create, guide, write, and make space for deeper transformation, I invite you to buy me a tea.

Buy Me a Tea