Is This Conversation Toxic or Just Uncomfortable?
- Ariana Friedlander
- 34 minutes ago
- 3 min read
How to Lead Through the Misuse of “Therapy Speak” at Work
Not long ago, a colleague described someone on her team as “toxic.”
When I asked what she meant, she paused and said, “They make me feel bad.”
That stopped me in my tracks. Because lately, I’ve noticed this pattern popping up everywhere—people using therapy or mental health language as shorthand for discomfort. “That conversation was triggering.” “They’re so toxic.” “I need to protect my peace.”
Sometimes those statements are absolutely valid. Other times, they’re a form of avoidance.
And for leaders, navigating the difference can be tricky terrain.
Emotional Intelligence or Avoidance?
RaQuel Hopkins, who calls herself a capacity expert, talks about growing misconceptions in the burgeoning efforts to destigmatize mental health. She says, “By focusing on ‘destigmatizing mental health,’ we’ve made it a fragile category which is now a safe word to shut down accountability or to seek sympathy without seeking solutions.”
In other words, protecting our mental health has become an excuse to misinterpret feelings and facts.
That’s where conversations break down.
Instead of exploring the dynamic, we retreat. Instead of staying curious, we shut down.
Discomfort becomes a red flag, rather than an invitation to learn.
I’ve seen this play out in teams where a tough feedback conversation gets labeled “toxic.” What’s often happening isn’t harm—it’s just hard.
But for anyone who’s experienced verbal abuse or trauma, that discomfort can understandably feel unsafe. The body doesn’t distinguish between past and present threat. And yet, not every hard moment equals harm.
6 Signs You Might Be in a Toxic Conversation
So, how can you tell the difference between a conversation that’s truly toxic and one that’s just uncomfortable?
Here are a few indicators I look for:
Blame without accountability. If it’s all your fault and never mine, that’s a red flag.
Character attacks instead of constructive feedback. “You’re just not good at this” shuts people down.
Emotional dominance. When one person’s feelings always outweigh everyone else’s needs.
Addiction to being right. When the goal becomes to win—not to understand—you’ve lost connection.
Fear or manipulation as control. Threats, ultimatums, or guilt tactics are unhealthy forms of communication.
Unwillingness to pause or repair. Healthy relationships can recover after rupture. Toxic ones don’t repair because vulnerability and humility are required.
At the core, the difference often comes down to control versus connection.
Healthy dialogue invites curiosity and care. Toxic dialogue demands compliance and certainty.
The Crux of the Matter
Leaders face a particular bind.
Sometimes a policy does need to be followed—a standard operating procedure exists for a reason. But enforcing accountability through fear, “If you can’t do this, you shouldn’t be here,” only breeds defensiveness or quiet disengagement.
Contrast that with a more grounded approach:
“We need to follow these SOPs because they’re how we maintain quality and trust. When we don’t, it impacts our ability to provide a quality product to our customers. Happy customers are repeat customers, which is the backbone of our business.”
Similar intention. Entirely different impact.
Because accountability rooted in respect builds agency. Accountability rooted in threat builds resentment.
The Mirror Moment: Owning Our Own Patterns
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: we’ve all been the “toxic” one at some point.
We’ve all weaponized our feelings to win an argument. Shut someone down when we’ve felt overwhelmed. Struggled to control the outcome of a conversation rather than listen. Or needed to win the argument above all else.
The real question is—are we willing to recognize when we descend into these unhealthy patterns?
My husband and I have a shorthand for this. When we catch ourselves competing to prove who’s carrying more of the household load, we’ll pause and say, “We’re in tit-for-tat.” That phrase snaps us out of the pattern and helps us reset.
What makes a relationship healthy isn’t the absence of toxicity—it’s the willingness to notice, name, and navigate our way back to connection.
The Leadership Practice of Repair
Repair requires humility. It asks us to take a breath, to pause before defending ourselves, to re-engage with respect.
And it reminds us that not every discomfort is dangerous. Sometimes, it’s just growth.
As RaQuel Hopkins wisely puts it, “Capacity expands when we stay present through the discomfort.”
So the next time you find yourself labeling a conversation—or a person—as “toxic,” pause and ask:
Is this actually harmful, or just hard?
If you’ve found value in what I wrote here and you want to support me in continuing to create, guide, write, and make space for deeper transformation, I invite you to buy me a tea.