The 3 N’s to Managing Strong Reactions with Intention

I have a friend who is potty training her toddler right now, and it’s so hard not to overreact when her daughter has accidents. She’s exhausted, sleep-deprived, and overwhelmed. After the fifth time cleaning the couch or rug, the frustration is real.

And yet, reacting strongly with anger or disappointment only makes it harder for kids to learn. I know this from personal experience. Whenever I showed my annoyance, it shut down my child’s ability to trust their own body. What was meant to help actually created more barriers.

From Parenting to Leadership

This dynamic doesn’t just show up in parenting, it’s alive and well in leadership. I recently worked with an incredible group of nonprofit leaders who provide workforce development training for young people navigating really tough circumstances.

Many of these participants have experienced trauma, incarceration, or instability. Understandably, certain behaviors can be triggering for leaders: a student checking their phone when they should be working, or overreacting to a misunderstanding. It makes sense that leaders feel frustrated or overwhelmed. But lashing out doesn’t help. In fact, it makes things worse, undermining the very support these young people need to succeed.

The skill that becomes critical here is not managing them, but managing ourselves.

The Three Steps: Notice, Name, Navigate

Over the years, I’ve found three simple practices that help leaders (and parents, and partners) manage their internal reactions:

1. Notice

Pay attention to the signs in your body—heat rising, a racing heart, tension in your chest. These physical sensations are valuable data points from your nervous system. They’re signals, not commands. By noticing, you create space between the trigger and your automatic reaction.

2. Name

Put words to what you’re feeling

• “I’m frustrated.” 

• “I feel like a shaken soda bottle about to explode.” 

• “I feel constriction in my chest.” 

Naming without judgment helps you reclaim control. 

Sometimes I notice old patterns creeping back in, like prioritizing everyone else’s needs over my own. It manifests as a tightness in my throat, accompanied by an uncontainable buzzing sensation in my belly, trying to escape. When I name that, it loses its grip on me.

3. Navigate

This is where choice comes in. Sometimes navigating looks like a deep breath, pressing your hands into your thighs to ground yourself, or stepping away for a walk. Other times it means processing later—journaling, talking with a mentor, coach, or therapist to untangle the past from the present. Navigation is about shifting from reaction to intentional response.

In my case, when I feel that old pattern of prioritizing others’ needs over my own, I pause and ask myself, “what do I need right now and what can I do about it?” While reminding myself that it’s not only ok, it’s essential for me to advocate for my needs. It enables me to have greater capacity to support others in the long run. 

Holding Accountability and Safety Together

For leaders who genuinely care about their people, this practice of noticing, naming, and navigating is essential. It allows them to foster accountability while also creating safety. These are learning spaces, and mistakes will happen. If leaders overreact, they shut down growth. If leaders respond with intention, they model the skills participants need to thrive in the workplace and in life.

So, it’s better for me to notice and name my needs rather than silently suffer.  When I neglect myself in this way for too long, I tend to blow up on others, which isn’t fun for anyone. The sooner I can notice, name and navigate what’s happening inside of me, the better equipped I am at handling the myriad of difficult situations that come my way on a daily basis. 

The point isn’t to be perfect, it’s to be human together.

The Power of Rupture and Repair

Humans are relational beings—we need one another to feel safe. But for those who’ve never experienced safety in relationships, trust can feel foreign. This is where rupture and repair become so important.

Ruptures—mistakes, or missteps—are inevitable and lead to disconnection. Repair is the work of circling back: acknowledging the hurt, naming what was hard, and owning what could have been done differently. Transparency in this way builds trust and safety over time.

The way repair unfolds is dependent on the individuals involved. A gesture or phrase that feels supportive to one person might be triggering for another, especially when trauma is involved. 

There’s no script for “the right way” to do this work. Instead, there’s a commitment to being in relationship, to navigating the rupture and repair cycle with care. The pathway forward becomes clearer when we notice, name and navigate the strong feelings before they erupt into big reactions (or an underreaction because sometimes, we are scared and hide when we need to be direct and kind).

Leading with Intention

Whether it’s a toddler learning to use the potty or a young adult stepping into the workforce, growth is messy. Mistakes are part of the process. Our role as leaders, parents, and mentors is to manage our own reactions so we don’t compound the difficulty.

By noticing, naming, and navigating with intention, we create the conditions for others to succeed. And by engaging in rupture and repair, we deepen trust and set the stage for healthier, more collaborative relationships in the future.