Living with Paradoxes: When Our Instincts Work Against Us

Lately, I’ve been fascinated by paradoxes—the tensions between what our human wiring tells us to do and what we actually need in order to thrive. 

As we face chaos, mounting uncertainty and change, noticing, naming and navigating these paradoxes with intention is paramount.

The Trauma Paradox

Take what I call the trauma paradox.

We are hardwired to avoid discomfort and pain. That instinct once kept us alive. But healing trauma, which is an embodied reaction that puts our internal threat detection system in hyperdrive, requires leaning into discomfort. Naming it. Feeling it. Working through it.

And that is inherently painful. 

So instead, we deny, reject, or minimize our traumas. We convince ourselves it’s easier to stay quiet, avoid conflict, or push away the hard conversations.  

The paradox is that these avoidance strategies deepen our own suffering. What feels protective in the moment keeps us stuck in long-term patterns that no longer serve us. 

When we don’t face our trauma, we get stuck in endless loops of reacting to perceived threats in ways that do not match the risk. And in doing so, we exhaust ourselves and miss the opportunity to address the more serious challenges we must address. 

The Parenting Paradox

I see the same pattern in parenting. We instinctively want to protect our children from harm, which leads to shielding them from disappointment, rejection, failure or heartache. We end up clearing the path so they won’t struggle.

But when we overprotect, we unintentionally undermine the very growth we hope for.

Children who never face adversity don’t get the chance to build resilience. Shielding them from pain today leaves them less prepared to handle setbacks tomorrow.

That’s the paradox: in our desire to protect, we sometimes prevent the very skills they need to thrive.

Why Naming Paradoxes Matters

These paradoxes aren’t failures of character—they’re part of being human. Our instincts are strong. And they often clash with our deeper needs, especially as we navigate a more complicated and hyper-connected world where we are bombarded with constant triggers.

We can’t keep following our default wiring. 

The gift comes when we can name the paradox with curiosity and compassion. When we see the pattern clearly, we gain choice. We can laugh at the irony of being wired in ways that sometimes work against us because at the end of the day, we have neuroplasticity on our side. It just takes a moment of awareness to exercise that capacity within us all. We can pause before defaulting to avoidance or overprotection or over-reaction or under-reaction. 

And in that pause, there’s room for a new response—one that better serves both our needs and our relationships.

If you’ve found value in what I wrote here and you want to support me in continuing to create, guide, write, and make space for deeper transformation, I invite you to buy me a tea.

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