How to recognize when fear takes over - leadership lessons from parenting

Recently, I found myself observing a familiar scene—parents and children navigating big emotions in the wild. And in witnessing this dynamic, I couldn’t help but reflect on how deeply the lessons of parenting intertwine with the practice of leadership.

It’s something I’ve wrestled with personally over the years. The patterns we fall into when we’re trying to protect our children—or our teams—often have more to do with fear than with presence.

When Protection Becomes Projection

There was a moment where a friend’s child was melting down—screaming, yelling, the whole scene. And the parent, clearly triggered, responded with an outsized reaction. That right there? That cascade of reactivity is something I know all too well.

Because when I’ve overreacted as a parent, it’s not usually about what’s happening in the moment. It’s about what I think it means for the future. It’s fear masquerading as protection.

That fear says, “If they can’t handle this now, what will their future look like? What kind of adult will they be? Will they be okay?” And in that moment, I’m not parenting the child in front of me—I’m parenting a future that doesn’t yet exist. That’s not protection. That’s projection.

The Workplace Mirror

This same dynamic plays out in leadership more often than we realize.

I’ve coached leaders navigating high-stress conflicts—those moments when the stakes feel high and tempers run hot. And just like in parenting, fear shows up fast. It sounds like:

• “If I don't step in now, this will spiral.”

• “If I don’t address this harshly, I’ll look weak.”

• “If I let this go, it might cost me my job.”

These narratives often lead to overreactions or avoidance. Leaders shut down conversations before they begin. They micromanage. They lash out. They silence voices out of fear. And in doing so, they miss the opportunity to connect, co-regulate, and move forward with clarity.

The Real Work: Regulate, Don’t React

What I’ve learned—through therapy, parenting, and years of leadership coaching—is that overreaction is often a reenactment of our own history. It’s our nervous system repeating old patterns that kept us safe once, but no longer serve us.

For me, I was taught as a child that big emotions were bad. So when my child expressed them, I defaulted to shutting them down. Not because it was effective—but because it was familiar.

In leadership, it’s the same. We bring our histories with us. And when we’re unaware of them, we end up projecting past pain as fear of the future into present situations. That limits our ability to truly lead.

From Projection to Presence

The shift happens when we learn to regulate ourselves—when we pause long enough to notice the story we’re telling, and choose to respond instead of react. It’s in those moments that we can model something different: self-awareness, curiosity, compassion.

Whether in our families or our organizations, our ability to lead well depends on our ability to stay grounded. To see what’s actually happening—not just what we fear might happen.

And to trust that our presence, not our panic, is what truly creates conditions where we can thrive.