The Emotional Truth Trap: When Feelings Overshadow Fact

When “Rude” Becomes Grounds for Punishment

In my work with Parks and Recreation departments, I’ve seen a pattern emerge among staff at community centers. A patron might be curt, condescending, or simply unfriendly, and the immediate request from staff is: “Can we ban them? They were rude.”

It’s understandable. No one enjoys being spoken to disrespectfully. Rudeness stings. But here’s the problem: there’s no policy against being rude. Unless a patron is blatantly harassing someone, using discriminatory language, or violating established guidelines, there’s no basis for denying them service.

And yet, in the moment, the emotional impact can feel so real and so strong that it becomes the entire story.

The Core Tension: Feelings Are Valid, But They Aren’t Facts

Young professionals today bring an incredible skillset to the workplace: emotional fluency.

They’ve been taught—rightly—that their feelings are valid and worthy of acknowledgment.

But a troubling conflation is emerging: if I feel abused, I was abused. Feelings become synonymous with facts. And when that happens discomfort gets interpreted as harm, when it’s an unavoidable part of life, work and growing.

Here’s the distinction:

• Feelings are always valid. They tell us something about our inner experience.

• Feelings are not always the whole truth. They are one part of the picture, not the total reality.

When this line blurs, miscommunication escalates. Leaders may find themselves accused of “abuse” for holding someone accountable to their job responsibilities. Teammates may label one another “toxic” for showing being direct. In these moments, emotional truth overshadows factual clarity.

Why It Matters: The Stakes for Organizations

When feelings are treated as facts, several challenges arise:

• Accountability suffers. Leaders may hesitate to provide necessary feedback for fear of being perceived as harmful.

• Policies lose weight. Rules meant to protect fairness and safety are diluted when “rude” and “unlawful” carry the same consequence.

• Teams fracture. When every difficult interaction is interpreted as an offense, trust erodes and collaboration falters.

This doesn’t mean emotions should be dismissed. Far from it. But it does mean leaders and teams need to get better at navigating the gray areas—where feelings are acknowledged without letting them automatically dictate the outcome.

3 Actions for Leaders

As leaders, navigating escalated emotions and conflict puts us in a precarious position.

None of us can control anyone else. Despite the desire to make it go away, we can’t sweep these things under the rug. But we can be mindful of how we’re showing up and responding in these tenuous moments.

1. Model the distinction between feelings and facts.

Integrate emotional intelligence training that emphasizes both validation and discernment. “I feel disrespected” is different from “this person violated policy.” Both deserve attention, but they require different responses.

2. Support reflective processing over reactive decision-making.

Encourage team members to pause, reflect, and name both their emotional experience and the observable facts. This shift helps de-escalate defensiveness and opens the door to curiosity instead of judgment.

3. Encourage team-based calibration.

Create space to explore: What actually crosses a line here? What’s simply uncomfortable, but not unacceptable? Shared calibration ensures that responses are consistent, fair, and rooted in both empathy and clarity.

Navigating these shades of gray isn’t easy. As leaders, we are tasked with holding the tension between validating emotional truth and upholding objective standards. And sometimes, despite our best efforts, repair isn’t possible—especially when one party insists their emotional experience is the only truth.

But when teams commit to curiosity, clarity, and shared boundaries, they stand a much better chance of moving forward together with both compassion and accountability intact.

If you’ve found value in what I wrote here and you want to support me in continuing to create, guide, write, and make space for deeper transformation, I invite you to buy me a tea.